Over on our Saturday in Community newsletter (you can sign up here), we started the conversation about the first step in the ACT limit setting process, Acknowledge the feeling.
Why is this step so important? The book The Whole-Brain Child by Drs. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson beautifully outlines why connecting to your child's right brain is so important. We now know that the left brain is the side that processes logic and reasoning and the right brain is the side that processes emotions and nonverbal communication. When we are experiencing big emotions, the left brain goes offline and our actions are directed by the right side of our brain. This is where those big tantrums, arguments, or fighting matches come from. When your child's right brain has stolen the show they need you to help them bring that left brain back online. The way to do this is by connecting right brain to right brain.
So how do we find this right brain to right brain connection? We can do this by first making a physical connection with your child. This can look like making eye contact with them, holding their hand, or bending down so you are on the same level as your child. Use your body language, tone, and facial expressions to convey the message just as much as your words will. It's important to keep this short and sweet while your child is flooded in emotion.
Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.
- Jane Nelsen
Positive Discipline
Below you'll find examples of how to do this in different developmental stages:
Ex. 1 Your toddler, after unsuccessfully trying to get her jacket on by herself, has now decided she absolutely will not wear it even though it's freezing outside. Take that breath you absolutely need and ask yourself, what do I see, hear, and feel? You may respond with, kneeling down, exaggerating a deep breath (yay for modeling calming strategies!), and saying, "You are frustrated because that jacket is so tricky to get on."
Ex. 2 You just received an "All you ever do is pay attention to my little sister! You never spend time with me! I wish she was never born!" from your 9 year old. In this situation, you may see your 9 year old crossing his arms and crying. You may hear words meant to hurt you or the younger sibling. You may feel the emotions of anger and jealousy behind those words. This might be a time to hold your 9 year old's hand and say, "You're feeling jealous and left out from spending time with me."
Ex. 3 You're discussing curfew with your teenager when she storms out of the room saying, "This is so unfair! Taylor gets to stay out until 10:30 at night. Why do I have to be back by 9?" What you may see here is that your teenager has decided they need to take space away from you to cool off for a bit. This is great as she's old enough to try to calm down by herself! You may decide to hold off on reflecting your teenager's feelings until you both can calmly circle back to the conversation. When this happens, you may say, "You were feeling frustrated and like your opinion doesn't count."
Reflecting your child's feelings does not mean that you agree with or are permitting the behavior you're seeing. Over the next couple of weeks we will talk more about the second and third steps of this process which are, Communicate the limit and Target the alternate behavior. Once your child is able to use the right side of their brain again, it becomes easier to implement these next two steps.
Can't think of feelings words other than mad, sad, happy, or scared? Here is a great feelings chart developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox that can help. This image can be downloaded over on the Calm Blog.
Leave a comment below with what feelings you noticed your child express this week.
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