This is the last week of our 3-part series on using the ACT Limit Setting technique, originally developed by Dr. Garry Landreth. We talked about acknowledging your child's feeling and communicating the limit to your child during the first and second week. For the last step, you are targeting the alternative, meaning you are giving your child choices of what they can do instead of breaking the given limit.
We all want our children to be responsible adults that can make sound choices. However, before becoming a responsible adult, children need to practice making decisions and learn that their actions have consequences. This final step in ACT allows your child to grow that choice-making muscle in a way that is still age appropriate and minimizes the power struggles that often come up between parents and their children.
Think back to times that someone told you it was their way or the highway. How did you feel in those moments? Did you want to listen to that person or did you want to push against it? Did you feel like you had agency over your life or were you simply following the rules because someone else told you to? Now imagine if this was your experience all of the time. Children often feel that most of their life is out of their control. Although children need limits to feel secure and thrive, they also need to know they are capable and trustworthy to make their own decisions.
The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.
-Alfie Kohn
Below you'll find examples of how to do this during different developmental stages. These examples are continuations of the ones from the last two weeks so we can see how the steps come together.
Ex. 1 Your toddler, after unsuccessfully trying to get her jacket on by herself, has now decided she absolutely will not wear it even though it's freezing outside. You already did the first two steps by saying, "You are frustrated because that jacket is so tricky to get on but your jacket needs to be on before we leave the house." Now you can give the alternatives by saying, "You can take a deep breath and try your jacket again, put on your blue sweater, or I can help you." If they continue to refuse to put either the jacket or sweater on you can communicate the limit again and then minimize the alternatives, "Your jacket or sweater need to be on before we leave the house. You're choosing not to pick one, so I will put your jacket on for you."
Ex. 2 You just received an "All you ever do is pay attention to my little sister! You never spend time with me! I wish she was never born!" from your 9 year old. Steps one and two sounded like, "You're feeling jealous and frustrated about not spending more time together, but you can not use hurtful words towards me or your sister." In this situation you may say, "You can ask me to play a game with you in a kind way or you can go yell in your room until you feel calmer." If your 9 year old continues to yell at you or his little sister, you might decide to reduce the alternatives by saying, "You can not use unkind words towards your sister or me. You are choosing to keep yelling at us, so you are choosing to go to your room until you've calmed down."
Ex. 3 You're discussing curfew with your teenager when she storms out of the room saying, "This is so unfair! Taylor gets to stay out until 10:30 at night. Why do I have to be back by 9?" You acknowledged the feeling and communicated the limit by saying, "You're frustrated that the rules for you are different than they are for Taylor, but you still need to have a curfew when you go out." Teenagers especially need to know that their opinions are important and their choices can be trusted. You may give a few alternatives such as, "You can have Taylor come over here until she has to go back home, hang out with your friends on our front porch until 10:30, or choose to stay home." If the next time she goes out she decides to stay out until 10:30 anyways, you might say, "By choosing to stay out past curfew this weekend, you chose to not go out next weekend."
Don't forget that practice makes perfect! You may find that you stumble through the steps at first, but eventually they'll become second nature.
Thank you for being here for this 3-part series! Leave a comment below with ways that you've integrated this process in your parenting.
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