This is week two of our three-part series on limit setting with children. Last week we talked about the first step in the ACT limit setting process, acknowledge the feeling. Don't forget you can receive your free guide on ACT limit setting here if you haven't signed up for it yet.
So far you've read about how to acknowledge or reflect your child's feelings before setting a limit. That is an important first step since it's difficult to think logically or follow instructions when we are flooded with emotion. Acknowledging the feeling helps slow down some of those big emotions bubbling up inside your children. It also communicates to your child that feelings are a welcomed and accepted part of life.
In the second step of ACT, you are communicating the limit or expectation to your child. Some important things to keep in mind during this step are:
Is this a limit I can and want to consistently enforce?
Is this a necessary limit to keep my child, others, or property (emotionally, mentally or physically) safe?
This step of the process communicates to your child that while their feelings are valid, the behavior is not acceptable. When setting the limit, you do not need to be wordy or provide an explanation as to why the limit is being set. Another thing to keep in mind during this step is to try to focus on the behavior you want to change rather than trying to change your child's feelings.
Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.
— Charlotte Sophia Kasl
Below you'll find examples of how to do this in different developmental stages. These examples are continuations of the ones from last week so we can see how the steps go together.
Ex. 1 Your toddler, after unsuccessfully trying to get her jacket on by herself, has now decided she absolutely will not wear it even though it's freezing outside. You've already reflected to them, "You are frustrated because that jacket is so tricky to get on." Now it's time to ask yourself is putting on the jacket before leaving the house a limit that is necessary to implement. If the answer is yes, communicating the limit might sound like, "But your jacket needs to be on before we leave the house."
Ex. 2 You just received an "All you ever do is pay attention to my little sister! You never spend time with me! I wish she was never born!" from your 9 year old. This may be a situation where you want to set a limit since using unkind words or yelling can be hurtful to other family members. After acknowledging the feelings of jealousy and anger, you can communicate the limit by
saying, "But you can not use hurtful words
towards me or your sister."
Ex. 3 You're discussing curfew with your teenager when she storms out of the room saying, "This is so unfair! Taylor gets to stay out until 10:30 at night. Why do I have to be back by 9?" You've already shown your teenager that you hear her frustration and the feeling of not having her opinion be heard. You can decide if you want to enforce a 9pm curfew or if there is some wiggle room in that timing. However, you do know that you want to set a limit on what time she comes home. Communicating the limit to your teenager might sound something like, "But you still need to have a curfew when you go out."
Next week we will complete the three-step process with T- target the alternative. Leave a comment below with what limits you've found to be important in your family.
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